A Lot of You Knew This Was Coming Sometime: My Treatise on Soulja Boy

"Rap is ass now!"- Maronzio Vance

Soo for some time now I have verbally expressed my distain for Soulja Boy and to some I came off as a hater.  I will acknowledge that in many ways, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em embodies part of hip-hop... unfortunately he embodies hip-hop's malignant tumor that is slowly killing it day by day.  What is wrong with Soulja Boy you ask? Is it the coonish dances? No, because I did the Soulja Boy dance and it was kinda fun at first. Dancing is harmless.  Is it his lyrics? Honestly, no.  Soulja Boy really doesn't talk about much of anything in his songs.  No gun play, no dope slangin', and certainly no lyrical complexity (HOPPED UP OUT THE BEEEEEEEED! TURN MY SAWG OOOOON! TAKE A LOOOOK IN THE MIRROR SAID WASSUP! EEEEEEEEYYYYY) No, the problem isn't these isolated incidents, its the fact that they are wrapped up together in a nice neat package called Soulja Boy Tell 'Em and he feels the need to pump more of this garbage on to the airwaves not only through his music but also by putting on other rappers with less talent.  I will concede that Soulja Boy has some excellent marketing insight and does a great job at promoting himself.  And I will also say that not all rap needs to be uplifting, have some type of deep message, or be incredibly lyrically poignant; but the stuff Soulja Boy puts out is garbage.  Like, he is the 21st Century dumbed down version of MC Hammer.  Like, there are better ways to do things that Soulja Boy does that aren't incredibly coonish.  For example, most of Diddy's good songs (Been Around the World, Can't Hold Me Down, Mo' Money Mo' Problems [I know its a Biggie song but I needed a third song dammit]) were about money.  That's all he talked about was how much money he had, and they were jamming.  People were dancing to them, waving their arms in circles, wearing shiny suits and shit.  But it was never as ignorant as Soulja Boy.  *Sigh* The more shit like this that is out, the more I start digging through proverbial crates looking for good music. This shit is going to keep up and I am going to be one of those jaded ass old heads talkin' about "I don't listen to rap made after (insert classic rap album)".  God help hip-hop.

Favorite Person of the Moment: Amanda Diva

The feature of this installment of Chris's favorite person of the moment is non other than Amanda Diva.  Now many of you might remember her from doing her MTV VJ thing on like Sucker-Free Sunday or something like that, but me and Amanda go back much farther.  Let me take you all back to like '94, Nickelodeon had this show called "My Brother and Me".  By far, the BEST show to ever grace Nickelodeon. It was pro-Black but like... not on some f--k whitey type stuff, the family was funny but not coonish, and it was just a well done show featuring an intact happy middle-class Black family and their friends of all races (Dee Dee: Hit me! Hit me! [later] Alfie: What happened?, Dee Dee: I got hit... BAHAHAHAHAHAHA) ANYWAY, if anyone remembers Alfie and Dee Dee's tomboy friend Deonne that was Amanda (then she was known as Amanda Seales).  From there she went on to college, SURPRISE! Betcha didn't see that coming. Anyway, she went to college and has been a VJ, radio host, a poet, rapper, philosopher, all around cool woman, and to top it off she is a cutie pie... I'm just sayin'.  She has her own web show on youtube called Diva Speak TV, its dope. She is Funny, clever, and smart so check her out.  Her poetry is tight too and she can really spit. Check her out on Q-Tip's new album The Renaissance (a must cop for true Hip Hop heads out there).  You can check out her latest episode of Diva Speak below. Enjoy. Happy Holidays y'all and thanks again for reading Bo Jangle. 

The Tragedy that is... Kim Kardashian

"In this crazy world..."-Young Jeezy

Now in an earlier post, I talked about the tragic story of Cassie and how Diddy took a perfectly hungry model and turned her into a shitty singer that models from time to time.  This post is about another tragic story, Kim Kardashian, but this time is isn't about how a multimillionaire mogul took a pretty girl and fed her foolish dream to be a pop singer for his own gain. No.  This is the tragic story about how we as the American public have been duped into thinking that Kim Kardashian actually has some sort of career to follow.  Now here is the thing, no one and I mean NO ONE knew about this chick like 3 or 4 years ago and now she is a quasi-household name.  Some of you may say, "Well, Chris. She was Paris Hilton's bff while Paris and her coochie was all over the news.  That's why people know her." My response is simply f--k that.  You don't get famous by being someone's friend while they are going through crazy -ish unless you are in the courtroom testifying against them *cough* Kato Kaelin.  No, Kim became famous when the sextape that she made with Brandy's brother Ray-J was leaked... by Ray-J.  Lets step back now and reflect.  This woman slept with Ray-J (read threw her life away) on camera.  Ordinarily something like that would be followed by like a moment of silence or something, but no... she became famous.  And the really f--ked up thing is that in the eyes of the general public, she isn't famous for boning Ray-J and Nick Cannon (yeah.... she was with "Gigolo ft. R. Kelly" Nick Cannon), she is famous for being the daughter of Robert Kardashian and the step-daughter of Bruce Jenner.  Like... she got a TV show for this shit.  She was on Dancing with the Stars... this girl isn't a star! You shouldn't be on TV if you messed with Ray-J, you should be in some sort of rehab *cough* Whitney Houston.  Anyway, long story short... actually Kim's story is kinda short: born to the dude who helped get OJ off for murder, boned Nick Cannon and Ray-J, sex tape gets released, now she's famous.  See and the messed up part about all this is that I wish I could front and say she isn't cute... but unfortunately she is kinda bangin... Aaaannnnyyyy way. Best of luck Reggie and if  y'all got tapes, burn them because if they get out Kim's "career" might just blow up to Beyonce status or some stupid shit like that.  Why is her booty so BIG?! *Sigh* 

Bo Jangles Live Show!

Magnetic Earrings on men are whack.

WARNING: Strong Language! 

A Little Christmas Cheer

So me and my boy Zaq were talking about Christmas and he made the argument that Christmas was what was really hood right now and I was like naaaaah, what about Christmas is hood.  Then I got to thinking.  What if Santa was a big Black man... Like Rick Ross.  What if Santa looked like Rick Ross, what would it be like?  And from there, this came to me. Enjoy. Merry Christmas

The Claus-- Santa Claus ft. T-Reins

Santa (The Claus...)

Elves don't make love, baby they make presents
Come to the Pole, my elves get gift crackin
Always wear a beard, baby cause shit happens
When I'm at the Pole I push a red and green Phantom
Hopped out the Phantom, hopped in the sleigh
Had to let the top back, "Hey Rudolph its the day" (hey!)
Who gives a fuck what a Grinch gotta say?
Made a billion kids happy last year from my sleigh (geah)
Flyin' through the skies, deers strapped in the reins
Kids believe in me, so they chantin' my name (Claus!)
I'm the biggest Claus that you seen thus far
9 flying reindeer cross the world in a day
I'ma make it rain (rain), presents in my sack (sack)
Good or bad I got your name, lil' homie, that's a fact
I enter through the chimney, presents under yo' tree
Slangin presents in your hood, you hear my ho's on your street

(T-Pain bridge)

Look under your Christmas tree and you know you'll see gift

Found some coal in your stocking, oh ain't that a bitch

I'm on my job (yea!), and I ain't takin' off

Cause its just a Christmas day in the life of the goddamn Claus!

(Rick James voice) BANG! BANG! AH HA HA HA HA!

Merry Christmas, y'all!

The Tragedy that is Cassie

Here is the deal.  Cassie can't sing.  Now before I get written off as a hater, "Me and You" was my -ish when it came out.  The problem is that as far as most people are concerned, Cassie is that cutie pie that couldn't sing to save her life.  Nothing more nothing less.  Cassie could have been a great model... that couldn't sing like the REST of the models that think they can sing.  But unfortunately she met Diddy, and when you meet Diddy he changes your life.  Getting connected with Diddy is like using cocaine: at first its great, you are partying making all types of friends and are the life of the party... then you hit the lowest of lows and no one has seen you in forever. First you think you need it (coke or Diddy)... then you realize that you have lost your soul to (insert applicable soul stealer) and you try to get away but you can't because it owns you.  The only way to get away is with outside help... like rehab.  ANYWAY. Back to Cassie.  That's what happened when Puff decided he wanted to make her a singer/model.  Yeah she had the face, but you can't be a singer if you can't sing or... at least dance real good.  Look at Ciara.  She has an average voice but she can groove and it makes her shows that much better.  J. Lo didn't have a great voice, but she had the moves and booty to keep her career afloat long enough to parlay it into a mediocre acting career.  Cassie, unfortunately, only has a pretty face.  No moves, no booty... actually she kinda has a 12 year olds body.  SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE CASSIE A HAM SANDWICH.  I think Diddy is starving her... or maybe its coke. Can't tell the difference... *shrug*

Clothing Lines/Brands that Need to Die

This is going to sound real harsh... but some clothing lines need to go away. Some just need to take a break, reinvent the brand, get some folks that actually know a little bit about designing clothes, and try again.  Others, however, need to go the hell away and don't come back. Here is my list of clothing lines that need to sit this one out for a while:

Southpole

Ok, here is the deal with Southpole.  They have a marketing budget that would make Barack Obama proud. Like seriously, their shit is EVERYWHERE. Vibe, the Source, Complex, Sports Illustrated, I think I saw an ad in Cosmo one time.  They advertise EVERYWHERE with either a scrub R&B singer (Mario, Omarion, you get the picture), some wigger-looking suburban White kid with at buzz cut and stunner shades, or some racially ambiguous woman.  The problem I have with Southpole is not the fact that I can't flip through the pages of a magazine without seeing their cheaply made products, its that... the company just copies whatever was hot last year.  There is no, I repeat, no one creative that works at Southpole.  I guess they fired all those people so they would have more money for advertising.  All-over print hoodies were hot in 2003, Southpole's Fall 2004 line was all-over print EVERYTHING.  Hoodies, shirts, polos, jeans, hats, socks, you name it Southpole put a logo all over that bitch.  They should look at Hyundai, another company that made a name for itself by swagger-jacking higher end brands, invest some money in R&D (i.e. hire some hungry young designers) and start making some QUALITY knock-off stuff.  I remember I bought a Southpole polo when I was like 12, I thought I was fly.  It was good all the way until I washed it... and that joint got a foot shorter and a foot wider... Same thing happened to a hoodie I copped.  Haven't really messed with them since.

Shady Ltd., G-Unit, Apple Bottoms, Yums

Ok... Shady Clothes just needs to go the f- away.  As a matter of fact, I actually just went back and added two other clothing lines started by rappers that need to go the hell away (puts on Chris Brown auto-tune with the echo) Forever, -ever, -ever.  As a rule to all rappers, if you don't dress well, don't make a clothing line.  Seriously, if you have no fashion sense, don't put your name on some clothes because that opens the door for a host of other things that just aren't acceptable like... albums by rappers that can't rap (Soulja Boy) or singers that can't sing (Ashanti).  You know what: here are the only rappers/musicians that are allowed to have clothing lines

Kanye

Jay-Z

Andre 3000 

Diddy

Pharrell

Lupe

Wale

Alicia Keys

Beyonce (she is about to lose this privilege if she doesn't start getting models that don't have the last name Knowles)

Rihanna

All other, fall back. Get a stylist and wait your turn.

Enyce

Ok, the funny thing about Enyce is that Diddy bought them which is funny because he already has a brand like that... its called Sean John.  So much for diversification.  Honestly, this is actually a request that Enyce not go away forever.  Diddy, if you are reading this please don't make Enyce disappear like Cheri Dennis, Black Rob, Loon, Total and the countless others whose souls you have purchased and are nowhere to be found (Craig Mack).  You know what would be funny, if Diddy revamped the brand and it disappeared for a while... and in like 2 or so years Cheri Dennis came out with a track with Carl Thomas and they were both rocking the new Enyce.  G-Dep and Black Rob could be on the remix. I'm sure it would all be hot like... WHOA!

Some brands that don't need to go away but need to STRONGLY rethink the way they design clothes:

Blac Label: Skulls, devils, and guns on (Kat Williams voice) ev-er-ry-thang? ev-er-ry-thang... Like serious.  I don't buy the shirts because I feel like I'm going to hell just for wearing it. And the jeans are WAY over priced.  I can get some selvedge Levis for the price of your REGULAR ASS DENIM. 

Ed Hardy by Christian Audiger: Y'all are killin' the game with the tattoo prints... and I don't mean that in no nice way.  That stuff might be cool for tattoos, but its getting old. Like, if you were to stick with the simple Ed Hardy logo that would be cool... and DON'T put a big ass Ed Hardy on the butt of anymore men's jeans... I don't want any man's name on my ass.

Parish: Y'all are trying to hard. That is all.

Akademiks: I just feel bad because even Prps is like the new baby and Akademiks gets no love.  Slimmer jeans and themes that aren't as extra would be a good look.  And make some 32x34 jeans.  Cut it out with this 32x33 business.

That's all for now.  Maybe more later.

Favorite Person of the Moment: Maronzio Vance

I'm thinking I'm going to make this a regular thing. Aight. So my favorite person right now is a comedian named Maronzio Vance.  Funny story.  So I saw dude do comedy right... on the TV. Like David Letterman or some shit like that, not in person. And he was funny has hell, but I couldn't remember his name.  Then I'm looking at Facebook, checking out the mini-feed and what not like "Oh cool, some n----a that friended me two summers ago wipes his ass with 4 sheets of toilet paper, some freshman posted pictures of them drinkin... Oh? What's this? A comedian making fun of Diddy?" And I ALMOST passed it by.  But I was bored as shit and decided to click the link.  I was pleasantly surprised to find it was Maronzio Vance and I was like "Man this dude was funny on whatever late show I saw him on" and then he proceeded to deliver the funniest, saddest, but most honest analysis of Diddy and the Bad Boy Empire I have ever heard. (Which can be view below) I then proceeded to check out his other videos and dude is HILARIOUS. Checked out his blog and myspace page and shit... googled him got his home address and phone number... sent him some letters (nah I'm playing). But definitely check him out.  Unfortunately he kinda falls into that category of artists whose work I thoroughly enjoy... when they aren't too busy bitching and moaning about the industry. The shits not fair, WE GET IT. Just do you, SHIT!

I think I got the time figured out

See the title...

My First Real Post: Chris's Critical Beatdown

Aight... I have been meaning to do this for a while.  I am going to review an album by an artist that I feel like from time to time just so y'all know where I stand when it comes to music.  Now first and foremost, don't get it twisted.  This is not Vibe, the Source, XXL, Blender, Rolling Stone, etc.  this is Chris reviewing whatever the f- music he feels like at the time/can get his hands on.  I will keep it real and pull no punches.  Don't get upset if I don't like your favorite artist.  I don't care if you met the love of your life while dancing to an Ashanti song, if I think she can't sing then dammit that's how I feel.  Anyway... Its time for the music.

T-Pain--Thr33 Ringz

Ok, for real.  When I heard the title and saw the spelling I thought to myself, "Cot Dammit! This damn Myspace spelling shit has got to stop.  I know I misspell a word from time to time but I will be damned if numbers are acceptable replacements for letters. My world was f-ed up enough when I started Algebra, this is just uncall

ed for and ignorant!" But I digress.  Anyway, Theodore Pain hit the nail on the head with this album.  A lot of people bitch and moan about him using auto-tune and stuff like that, but they are missing the point.  If you don't like auto-tune, that's fine.  Listen to neo-soul and don't worry about it.  Timothy Pain, however, is making music to entertain and he does a damn good job at it.  Its not about feeling the pain of a woman who cheated on him and relating and crying all over your keffiyeh and -ish, its about sitting back and laughin

g about that time you went out with your boys and your homie fell in love with a woman named Ferrari who was a student/dancer/actor/model who allegedly had a 3.9 GPA and could make

 her buttocks clap like those little clackers with the balls that like tick one at a time. 

 Its about sitting car, singing "OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE!"with your eyes closed and your head back while the people in the car next to you at the light wonder if you are in excruciating pain.  With that being said, Thr33 Ringz is an album full of singles and club bangers made for people to dance to and have a good time.  In a day and age where R&B is hyper sexual, Hip Hop is full of fake drug kingpins and studio gangstas, Thelonius Pain makes fun, funny, music that everyone can dance to.  Honestly, I could play quite a few of these tracks for like my parents and their friends (provided they were edited) and I think they would dance to it.  Simply put, the album is a banger.  Great features including Kanye, Weezy (enough said for most of you Weezy heads out there), Luda is back on his Word of Mouf funny flow type stuff, Ciara, Chris Brown (more on that dude later), Akon, and even Mary J. Blige and Musiq for you R&B purists out there.  Now... Diddy and DJ Khaled make appearances and are counted as features but... DAMMIT neither one of them sings or raps.  They just ad lib. More thoughts on those two in later posts.  Tracks that stand out: Chopped n' Screwed, Freeze, Blowing Up, Therapy, Karaoke.  

Now for the rating (out of 5 C's)

Beats: ©©©©

Lyrics: ©©©©

Substance: ©©

Dance-ability:©©©©©

Overall:©©©© 1/2

Advice: Cop it!

OH! By the way

Ignore the times on the posts for now. Blogspot doesn't have this shit streamlined so I can just pick regular ass Eastern Standard Time there are like 320498203482048230 different Eastern Time zones with no cities that I can say I live near so for now... I am on Cali time.

Welcome

First and foremost, welcome to my foray into the world of internet blogging.  When blogs first came out, I honestly was was like "wtf?! who is going to read this mess." Then I found myself reading peoples blogs because hey, sometimes they have some funny and enlightening things to say.  About the title.  Let me first say that I am NOT a Booker T. Washington fan.  I will admit that the man cared about Black people and said what he felt was best at the time, BUT some of what he said was coonery. Plain and simple.  But I went to this Black student leadership conference and I forget what the actual theme was, but the opening speaker referenced Booker Taliafaro and told us to "cast down our buckets".  Now, me and my friends (being the militant well read African American students that we are) where like "OH HELL NO! We know what he meant. You not gonna tell ME to cast my bucket down! I'm not tap dancing for these (insert racial epithet for White people)!"  DISCLAIMER: I mean no disrespect to my White brothers and sisters, I'm just being honest with the emotions that were felt at the time. Ok, so anyway. For some reason, the other speakers felt that that line was hot fiya (not "fire", "fiya". Its pronounced just like it is spelled) and would just throw it in their speeches... shit they threw it in the announcements.  Folks would get to the mic and say something like, "Just a reminder, make sure that you all behave yourselves while we are staying here at the hotel.  We want to make sure that when we cast down our buckets, we make a good impression." And on the inside I would think,"Sweet Jesus... Am I at a leadership conference or the Mid-Atlantic Summit on Bucket Casting!?" But that was a funny experience for me and thanks to inspiration from my homie Cynthia I decided to title my blog "Hey Bo Jangle! Cast down your bucket, my brother" (you gotta yell the first part like Dave Chappelle or something). But enjoy.  I will probably go threw phases where I post like 43457231432143242142 times a day, then you don't get another post for like 7... 19 months.  But we will see. Again. Enjoy.