Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Unless you have been living under a rock for the past year or so, there is a new cultural phenomena that is sweeping the blogosphere (I believe that is the proper nomenclature): it's called Stuff White People Like. It is HILARIOUS. The premise is this white guy began listing things that middle to upper middle class, left leaning, North American white people enjoy and by all accounts its fairly accurate. From scarves and gentrification to New Balance shoes and the Idea of Soccer, Stuff White People Like is a peek into the minds, behaviors, and spending habits of that generally cool white person that you know.

Folks have tried to make spin-offs, but they generally fail because of a few reasons. Reason 1: The group they choose to focus on is substantially smaller than white people. Reason 2: White people really don't give a fuck about what specifically other groups like... just as long as that group likes the type of white person they are. Rather than ride the proverbial dick of Stuff White People Like and turn Bo Jangles into Stuff (insert ethnic group) People Like, I have decided to add a series, like the "Tragedy That is..." or "Chris's Critical Beatdown" series, called Stuff Black People at Small Private Liberal Arts College Like. I realize that I have selected an infinitesimally small target audience, but that is the audience I have selected and hey, maybe you can relate too.

For the first installment of Stuff Black People at Small Private Liberal Arts Colleges Like, I will focus on "Patronizing 24 Hour Eateries". Some of you may say, "Chris that is something that ALL college student like, not just Black people at small private liberal arts colleges." First off... BITCH! I didn't say ONLY Black people at small private liberal arts colleges like this shit! And, it's a different type of affair for us, ESPECIALLY if the school is in the middle of fucking NOWHERE. Going to the 24 hour restaurant of choice is a much grander affair for us members of the not so silent minority. While for most, these trips are spontaneous and occur after a night of partying, for Black people at small private liberal arts colleges this trip starts at the beginning of the school week:

Monday (in the dining hall)
Black person 1: Man we haven't had a late night trip to (insert 24 hour eatery) in a minute.
Black person 2: You right. We need to go, some time.

Tuesday (in passing)
Black person 1: Hey! We still on for going to (insert 24 hour eatery) this week?
Black person 2: THIS WEEK?! Nigga! No one said anything about going this week! I got a test on Friday and a 20 page term paper due Saturday at midnight!

Wednesday (chilling/studying)
Black person 1: Come on, man! Lets hit up (insert 24 hour eatery) on Friday! A buncha people said they wanna go!
Black person 2: Like who?
Black person 1: Uhhhh (he then proceeds to list 3 people who agreed that they hadn't been to the restaurant in a long time but did not actually confirm that they were coming on Friday, 2 people who actually said they cannot make it Friday, and 4 more people he never even talked to).
Black person 2: Aight, well we will see how this paper goes. I probably can't go though.

Thursday (in passing)
Black person 1: Yo! We still-
Black person 2: I can't go, all I have done on this paper is the opening... I don't even have a fuckin' thesis yet. AND I will be up all night studying for this test tomorrow.
Black person 1: Aight... well, maybe some other time.

Friday (after the test around noon)
Black person 1: How did the test go?
Black person 2 (still wearing the same clothes he had on from the day before): Nigga, I KILT that shit!
Black person 1: That's what's up! Yo we should celebrate with some (insert 24 hour eatery)!
Black person 2: Mutherfucka! I told you I have a term paper due tomorrow. I need to rest and then bang that joint out.

Friday (about 8:00 pm)
Black person 1: Hey how you feeling? Hows that paper coming?
Black person 2: Its coming alright. I took a 3 hour nap and have been working on it since. I got about 5 pages. Its supposed to be 15 to 20 pages and I wanna shoot for 20.
Black person 1: Aight, man. Good luck with that.

Still Friday (about midnight)
Black person 2 answers his cell. It's Black person 1
Black person 2: Yo!
Black person 1: (5 or so Negro voices in the background... which tends to sound like 20 to 30 voices) Hey, man! We gettin' ready to hit up (insert 24 hour eatery)! You rollin?!
Black person 2: I don't know, I only have 10 pages done so far and I'm kinda in a rut right now.
Black person 1: Come on! We all are ready to go we are just waiting on you!
Black person 2: I don't know, man...
Black person 1: Stop being a little bitch. COME ON.
Black person 2: Man... fuck you. I need to work on this paper for real.
Black person 1: Aight. Peace.
Black person 2 hangs up

10 minutes later there is a knock at Black person 2's door and what sounds like 10 or 15 Black people at it. He opens the door to find Black person 1 with 3 other Black people and that cool white dude that rolls from time to time with him.
Black person 1: Nigga... You are coming with us!
Black person 2: Nah, man. I told you I have this paper!
Black person 1: Put on some sweats and lets roll.
Black person 2 skulks back into his room and comes out 3 minutes later in sweats and a hoody.
Black person 2: Aight... Lets go.

So the group heads out to the restaurant and has a blast. Invariably there are 2-4 people who aren't hungry at all and don't eat anything, 2-3 people who don't have money and tell people they aren't eating but someone gets them anyway, and 1 mottherfucker who has no money, orders his food like he does, and after he finishes says "Aight... Who got me?"


CC said...

Thank you for the trip down memory lane. i felt like i was back at insert name of small private liberal arts school that black people go to sometimes when scholarships are offered.

Zaq said...


"5 or so Negro voices in the background... which tends to sound like 20 to 30 voices)"

yo i was like seriously depressed but this shit lifted my spirits. Keep it up MAB!!